Jude Kearney
Chapter One
David
Dragging a dinghy along a rocky beach isn’t as fun when you're alone. The sky is grey, more like overcast, I suppose, maybe a reflection of the rest of the day. It’s drizzling a bit, but nothing that I’m not used to. It’s sure as hell making this a harder feat than I imagined. But I'm not annoyed, why should I be? I’m taking the boat out to see if the engine is working, that’s what I told them, and that’s what I’m doing.
Sitting down next to the dinghy, the rocks are jagged against my trousers. Straight ahead is the water, and on my left is the boat, “The Touchy Feely”, written in cracked paint along the side of it. Sadhbh found it funny, so we kept it. The motor’s been acting up for years, so we kept ol’ touchy in the garage, but I felt pretty committed to fixing it. Now it’s next to me, and the water in front of me, I could leave. The only thing in my way is this engine and the rocks.
There’s one seagull standing atop the rocks in the distance, its ragged feathers sticking in every direction as it clashes its wings against the wind. Until it stopped and pointed in my direction. It knows, it’s tilting its head slowly, Feidhlim probably has some profound saying about this situation. Getting up from the ground, it seemed harder to pull the boat; my fingers were red and swollen. Shifting along the gravelled beach, my head would swivel backwards to get my bearings and every time I looked, that seagull was still standing there.
Pushing the boat and jumping into the water wasn’t the hard part, thank god. The real hard part was praying the engine would work. My wellies were squeaking against the surface of the Dinghy as I shuffled over to the engine. Making my way past the seagull was strange; it stared at me calmly, and it was accepting. It spread its wings, but it never took flight. I couldn’t help but make the same motion, my arms raised. As I sank with the boat, I never looked away from that Seagull. It made sense now, I’m sorry.
Gully
Another calm sky today, just a couple of clouds high up in the sky. This is the second in a row; if the circumstances were different, we’d be out there right now. Looking out onto the coast, the waves are calm, gently crashing against the small rocks where a seagull sits. Seventeen-eighteen and splash. Eighteen skips in total, not even close to the rocks. Hands buried deep in my pockets as my feet sort for jagged flat stones scattered around the beach. “Still trying to beat Feidhlim’s record, I see”. A female voice behind Gully murmured,
“I’m starting to think he was lying”, I replied, “I mean, fifty-four skips? How on earth?”
“You can ask him when he gets here, I suppose”
“As if he’d actually show up”, I said, rolling my eyes.
The girl kicked a few stones from beneath her feet.
“You know, you’d think after twenty years of us skipping rocks on the beach. The place’d be stripped clean”, lifting her foot, there was a flat and sharp-edged stone beneath it. She juggled the stone in her hand before curling her wrist and her bicep in one swift motion like an underhand frisbee throw. Nineteen, twenty, it’s travelling, twenty-four, twenty-five, you’re joking me. It carried on to the thirties before doing a final skid along the water. The seagull looked indifferent to what it saw.
“Well, that’s just unfair”, I replied, staring at the ripples forming in the water.
“How so?”
“You’re older, you’ve had more years to practice”.
“Whatever you say”, she replies before walking away.
“Sadhbh, where are you going? We have a score to settle”, I say, looking at the stones that her feet walk past.
“Come on, we gotta go, the director will be here any minute”.
“Director?” I paused, “The news kind?
Sadhbh craned her back and shoulders to me, before using her hand to usher me forward.
“No, the funeral kind”, Sadhbh said, her face seemed to drop its calm expression when the word funeral was spoken, “we’re behind on quota this week, so go out, and bring Honey with you”.
Honey?
“You’re mad if you think Honey would want to help out”, I continued, "just take another day off”.
Sadhbh groaned as the terrain shifted from sand to the tarmac where the rural roads begin. “She needs the experience, and we need the extra hands now. We don’t take days off either”.
“We took yesterday and the day off?”, I remarked.
“Yeah, because the boat washed ashore, we can’t keep idling about”.
The small beach slowly went out of view as we continued walking back home. It was closed off for the last two days as the local police inspected the boat and the surroundings.
“How about I bring Da instead?”
“Dad can hardly walk, Gully-”
“I’ll go by myself then-”
“Would you ever just get on with it and bring Honey?”
The rest of the walk home was quiet.
Sadhbh
It’s not that I want to be upset with Gully all the time; there’s just too much to do in the house, never mind out in the waters. Hell, even this bathroom needs to be cleaned for when Feidhlim gets here. Sniffling in between tissues, my hands slowly reorganise the bottles on the countertop of the bathroom sink. Does organising them constitute cleaning?
Opening the door, there she is staring back at me. She always has a peculiar and confused look.
“What’cha doing in there?” the girl asked
“Cleaning the bathroom for when your uncle gets here”.
She’s still staring; it’s like her eyes are fixated on the bridge of my nose.
“And what’s that for?” she asks again, pointing at the tissues in my hand.
“Oh, this?”Inspecting the damp tissues in my hands, I look back at Honey, who’s now hyper fixated on the tissues, “This is for-for make-up”.
“How come?”
“Never mind that, what are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for David”, she says, a twinkle in her eyes.
“Oh, Honey, Jesus, just get your waders on, get on with it”. I say, my hands ushering her out of the way.
Every footstep going down the stairs creaks; it’s too quiet in here. I mean, aside from the morning rush or dinner time, the house is quiet, despite five of us living here, six before Feidhlim left for University. But this is a different kind of quiet, the type of silence that comes from misery and discomfort. Turning my head in the sitting room, and Dad’s not even watching TV. He's just sitting on the couch, his eyes closed and breathing slowly. His breathing seems to be steady, that’s good.
“Hey-”, I say, nudging his shoulder, “Dad, are you asleep?”
His lips are curling, and his eyes are open; he must’ve been deep in thought.
“Yes- yes, I’m awake”, he grumbles.
“The funeral director will be here shortly. Are you okay?” I ask, my hand resting on his shoulder. “Do you need anything beforehand?”
“Couldy’a grab me a bottle from the fridge, dear?”
“No, you know I can’t do that”
His mouth hung over before slowly closing his eyes.
“Then off with ya so”.
No other sounds came from his mouth after this; only his breathing seemed faster. He and David had their differences. Honey swiftly rushed into the sitting room quickly after me; whatever she had to say or do couldn’t possibly help. The sound of agitated gravel followed.
Honey
Looking for David, yes, where is David? He’s hiding, he told me. Where is he? I don’t know yet. He’s not in the house. There’s a noise coming from the bathroom; it might be him. What will happen when I find him, I wonder, so much. But the only person behind the door was my older sister. Her eyes are so red, like she ate something spicy, but who eats chillis in the bathroom?
“What’cha doing in there?” I ask.
“Cleaning the bathroom for when your big brother gets here”.
I’ve never met him before. I wonder if he’s as fun as Gully. Well, if she’s in here, then David probably isn’t. The bathroom doesn’t look clean either, and the tissues in her hands look the same.
“And what’s that for?”
“Oh, this?” Does she not know she was holding it? Sadhbh is so stupid, “This is for make-up”.
But she’s still so ugly?
“How come?”
“Never mind that, what are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for David”.
And I’d have a better chance of finding him if she got out of the way, but it didn’t matter. She seems taller and uglier. She was angry, maybe pissed, and she said something about waiters? But we don’t live near any restaurants.
When the ugly monster finally left, I continued to search the house. I’ve checked the attic, the kitchen and his bedroom. David wasn’t anywhere. I wish he had given some more hints; the last place I could check was the sitting room. Peering in through the door was da and the ugly. He had his eyes closed; he must be meditating again. Maybe he can help. I scooted my way into the living room when the ugly finally left. Giving him a good slap on the face should do the trick. He didn’t seem to pay me much attention until my hand made a good connection to his right cheek.
“Ah- ye bleedin’ fuck-”, his eyes opening to my toothy smile, “would ya look who it is”.
“I need your help, da”
“Well, you’ve come to the right person”, his hand patted the tangled hair atop my head. When his fingers got caught, he gently rested them by his side. His fingers still couldn’t bend properly, “Now I could help you, but you gotta do me a favour, grab us one of those beers in the back, would ya?”
A quick nod and a salute, and I run out the door. Da was great for this kind of stuff.
Sneaking past the kitchen to the fridge in the back. Peering into the kitchen, I see the ugly one sitting across from a man in a suit, who looks tired. Their conversation is hard to make out, aside from “memorial service” being uttered from the man's mouth. Her hands seem to catch her head from crashing on the table shortly after; the dummy can’t even sit up straight.
Creeping past the door was simple, just run. So I run as fast as I can past the door, and they can hardly notice me. When I returned with a bottle of golden liquid, he seemed happier.
“Ah, you’re a great girl now, Honey”, he took a long gulp, he looked as if he were sinking into the couch, “now what can I help ya with?”
“It’s been days, and I can’t find David. I’ve checked everywhere”.
He let out a sigh before tilting his head back.
“Ah, still searching for him, I see. Well, have you tried his bedroom?”
“I have, even in his closet”.
His fingertips scratch his chin for a moment.
“Well, let’s break it down. He’s obviously not at home. Anything else?”
Pinching my temples, I thought of all the clues I gathered,
“His motorboat was washed up on the beach”.
“So he must’ve been on the boat then”,
“David is in the sea!”
“Well done, exactly!”
He looks up past me and takes a sip,
“Why don’t you share what you learned with our visitor here?”
Gully stands by the door frame, a faint smile on his mouth.
“She sorted you out with a bottle, did she?” he asked.
“She did indeed”, Da laughed.
I give Gully’s legs a few jabs before he catches my arms.
“Well, go on, what have ye learned?.
“David’s hiding in the water!”
“Is he now?” he laughed, “Well, why don’t we go out and take a look?”
He let go of my arms before asking da,
“We’re heading out, d’ya need anything?”
“More beer there, son. “
“Yeah, alright”.
Da’s arms waved goodbye before he closed his eyes.
Feidhlim
I’ll admit it, I don’t miss rural driving. I mean, come on, this couldn’t be the route we always took on our way to school. Every turn and bend is making me wonder if this will be my last day on earth, first David, now me. Maybe I’d be okay with that; a good accident in the car could get me out of certain conversations. The view from the side of the road opens up onto the O Riordáin coast; the far shore is where David’s boat was found. It still doesn’t make sense why he took that dinghy with him. Some boats skirted the outer shore, working away. Must be the groups moving out, but there was one boat that was closer to David’s site. A trawler vessel, it was hard not to recognise it; it was ours. The sailing Feely is what it was called when we were fifteen or so; David and I referred to it as The Touchy Feely, much to dad’s disapproval.
The boat seems to be stationary in the water. Was it Sadhbh out there? Or maybe Da and Henry? I suppose I’ll find out when I’m home, my shoulders settle into the driver's seat more comfortably at the thought of reuniting one at a time. The house itself seemed to be the same, I mean, it looks exactly how I remembered it, but also different. There was clearly new paint on the walls, and the windows had new curtains. Maybe it was because the boat at the front was gone, along with the car. The door opened as I exited the car. Was it gonna be Henry? What would I say if it were? Hello, university has been great, and you’ve gotten taller. Something like that, maybe.
Walking out the door was a well-dressed man, nobody I recognised, who seemed to take note of me.
“A friend of the Feely’s I presume”, he said.
“Ah, no”, I stuck my hand out, “Feidhlim Feely, one of Joe Feely’s sons.”
He eyed me up and down, taking note of the car I got out of and my attire. Was it only corduroys?
“Ah, terribly sorry”, he replied, “I didn’t peg you for a Feely because of your- anyhow, I am the funeral director”
We shook hands; his grip was loose.
“Ah, I missed it, did I?”, I remarked, although I wasn’t a bit disappointed, “Did things go smoothly?”
“Well, the girl Sadhbh seemed a bit distraught”
“My twin sister, yes”,
“Ah, I see the resemblance”, he nodded, his eyes blank with the least bit of interest, “but we went over some details, I’d recommend chatting to her about the details”.
“Of course”, I gave him a nod, “It was a pleasure to meet you”.
The funeral director strutted off; he didn’t seem to have a car.
“Do you need a lift, sir?” I shouted.
“Not particularly”.
Sadhbh
Giving out to a funeral director wasn’t the last thing on the agenda for today. Neither was crying in the kitchen. Who charges that much for a funeral? Before I could even go over the pamphlet he left behind the door, he knocked again. Does he want a tip or something? They knocked louder this time.
“Jesus, I’ll be a moment”, I yell.
The door knocked again.
“What is it-”, I exclaimed, before being met face to face with Feidhlim, “Oh, it’s you.”
“Hi”, he said, a half smile on his face.
He looked more mature, for one, he was wearing corduroys, which seemed to fit him better, he looked more presentable, they didn’t fit like the ones he wore in school that he got bullied over.
“Well”, I paused, “Come in then”.
We exchanged a long-overdue hug; he smelled nice. Guiding him into the kitchen, he slowly trailed, looking around.
“I like what you have done with the place”.
“It looks terrible, I know”,
“It really does.
He was in the hallway, peering into the sitting room. Dad was still asleep, beer in hand.
“He’s out cold, is he?”
“I swear I need to chuck those beers out”.
“Never change da”, he remarked.
He sat down in the kitchen; he had the same position and posture as the funeral director. Arms closed together, and legs crossed. Even when I handed him a cup of tea, he looked more like a guest than a member of the family.
“So, how have you been, Sadhbh?” He asked.
“-I’ve been okay, I haven’t really thought about it too much”.
He warmed up his free hand with the cup.
“How so?”,
“Things have been so hectic since he went missing, I haven't had time to grieve”.
He exhaled.
“I feel the opposite, the commute was so long, I had nothing but time to grieve”.
“Honey still thinks he’s alive”.
“How so?”
“She thinks it’s a game of hide and seek”.
“She is only eight years old, to be fair to her”.
“She’s ten”.
“Really?” he remarked, “she needs to be sorted out, wow”.
I couldn’t help but giggle. I mean, any other family would have her sent off somewhere to fix her.
“She only really gets on with Gully and David, and we’re short one now so-”.
“That reminds me, who’s gonna be in charge now, with dad in his state and David, well, you know-”.
“That’s another problem, Gully wants to take over, but I don’t think his methods are the best”.
Feidhlim's head bobbed, as if he knew what I was talking about.
“Well, good luck with that, I suppose”.
“Very helpful as always, Feidhlim”.
He looked up slowly,
“What do you mean?”
“You’re gonna leave straight after the funeral, aren’t you?”
“Sadhbh, I have studies-”
“Oh, Feidhlim, come on-”
A voice came from the hallway and exclaimed.
“So you actually came”,
Turning around, Gully stood there, leaning by the door, Honey hiding behind him.
Gully
Unloading the car with Honey wasn’t fun, I’ll tell you. Partially because Honey didn’t help at all, in fact, she ran off the moment I parked the car. When everything was sorted and tucked away, I found Honey inspecting a car in the driveway at home. She had her palms to the window, and her nose squashed against the glass, peering through the tempered glass.
“Whose car is this?” she asked.
“Probably the funeral director”
She turned to me slowly.
“Who’s funeral?” She looked confused.
“He’s here for your funeral if you don’t help out with the equipment next time”, I say, patting her back, “come in now, we’ll make some tea”.
She seemed content with this response.
Reuniting face-to-face with Feidhlim somehow felt worse than meeting the funeral director; if he’s finally come back after nearly four years, then it really is that serious. And yet, his clothes, his posture and his hair. It said everything I needed to know about how he’s been.
“So you actually came”, I remarked.
Feidhlim turned around to me, his mug in his hands.
“Good to see you, Henry”.
“Gully-”.
“Sure, whatever”.
“You’ve settled back in nicely, haven’t you?”
Honey hid behind me before peeking her head out.
“Is she yours?” he said before pausing, “Gully.”
“You’ve only been gone four years, you know it’s Honey”.
“So four years is a short time now, is it, Henry?” Feidhlim remarked.
“It’s gully, and would you ever go fuck yourself?”
A hand slamming against the wall and Honey jumping out of her skin, Feidhlim standing up, and the next thing you know were at each other's throats like last time we reunited.
Chapter Two
Feidhlim
When you wanted to look out for when Dad’s car was rolling up on the gravel or when the postman finally arrived, you could count on the window from David’s bedroom to stare out the window. He didn’t mind; he kept to his books and his drawings and whatnot. If you let him talk enough, you could tune him out as you went on. With or without David, you could still rely on his bedroom window, like right now. I have a great view of Gully storming out of the house and getting into the car. He didn’t even look back at the house, just straight in and off he went.
David’s room was great. As the oldest child, he laid claim to everything, and we mostly got his hand-me-downs. He had the old television in here too with his N64, and we would all gather to play Mario Kart in here during storms or after dinner, when he wound up in his teenage years, and we weren’t quite there yet, he’d lock himself up in here. After that, his room was a mystery, what new treasures waited to be found by my greasy child hands, I wonder if Honey felt the same way. He had sketches hung up on the walls, mostly of the beach where he was, he was found. They showed the morning horizon and seagulls flying off I’m sure it was a view he was none too familiar with when he had his morning shifts with dad before we could even tie an eight-bit knot.
“They’re not bad, aren’t they, fella?” said a voice.
It was Dad, he stood by the door, his hand keeping his balance.
“Just the man I was thinking about”, I smiled.
“Gay”, he said slowly.
He hobbled his way over and gave a hug; it wasn’t a tight hug by any means, and I had to hold him as he settled onto the bed next to me.
“Will you be staying long?” he asked.
“Not sure yet, Da”.
He looked around the room.
“Make the most of it, I suppose”, he paused, “heard about the row from the little one”.
“Ah, you know how it is with Gully”.
“I know exactly, the boys got a lot on their mind, d’ya leave much for him before you left?”
“S’pose not”.
They stood there in silence, taking in the room. How many more moments like this did they have left? Mourning is an odd thing, isn’t it? It squats in your mind unwillingly for days and weeks, all you can think about. Until one day it’s just poof. It happened with Ma, and it’s gonna happen with David. How many days or weeks do I have left to think about David? It was a scary thought.
“Dad?” I asked.
“Yes, boy”.
“Are you okay?”
His eyes were fixated on what was ahead of him.
“His days were numbered, they were”.
“What do you mean?”
“He hated it here”.
“Are you saying he took his own life?”
“No, I know what happened”.
Dad closed his eyes, his breathing looked manual, a couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause. A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause. A couple of seconds in, pause, a couple of seconds out, pause. I felt a pit in my stomach, and my breathing quickened, so I joined him in his breathing.
Honey
There is no such thing as monsters that come out at night. You can’t scare me. From my window, I can see the moon; it’s so high up in the sky. It’s so bright you could see its reflection against the sea from my window. You can even see David’s beach. Everyone seems to be asleep, but not me; there’s searching to do. He must get tired of hiding and come out; how else can I not find him?
Sneaking out of the house is more than easy. Da can barely hear anything when he really sleeps. The ugly lady gets up extra early to get ready for the fish. All is prepared. Exiting through the kitchen window is my secret; I leave it unlocked for moments like these. The hard part is landing on the gravel, not making any noise, but if I drop down and land from my toes to my heel, the sound is small.
My flashlight scans the area in case he might be hiding; he’s nowhere except the waves crashing. The waves, of course, he’s still in the water. David’s beach isn’t far from the house; it’s only a small corner of the beach, and stones and rocks and patches of sand. Among these things something else, the rocks jutting out of the water, but one of the rocks was small and circular with two sticks sticking out. The sticks moved again, up and down; they were hands.
“David!” a voice shouted from the water. “I’m here!”
The arms flailed up and down; they were long and slender, and the moonlight made it hard to see. I shone my flashlight to see what it was, but the reach wasn’t far enough.
“Who’s there!” the voice yelled, “Leave!”
It was swimming towards me, and I had no choice but to run. I will be back, David.
Gully
I didn’t sleep well last night, and I wasn’t ready for any arguments in the morning. But that was the weird thing about families, you can argue all day, but the next day, they might not even mention that it happened. Do I still have feelings of resentment for Feidhlim? Absolutely, but we did our best not to set each other off. So when he offered to top up my coffee, I gave a simple nod. Meanwhile, Dad moved Honey’s plate every time she tried to take a bite of her toast, and Sadhbh placed a plate of sausages in front of Feidhlim.
“I saw David last night,” Honey exclaimed.
“And where was this?, I remarked.
Don’t humour it, Sadhbh said under her breath, her eyebrows furled.
“At the beach last night! He was swimming!”
Sadhbh placed her mug down.
“You were at the beach last night?” Sadhbh asked.
“I was! And I’ll show you where I found him-”
“No.” Sadhbh said calmly, “You’re gonna stay here with Dad.”
Feidhlim took a sip.
“I can mind her”.
I let out a giggle and looked at Feidhlim.
“Sadhbh and I were thinking, we could use the extra hands”.
Sadhbh smiled.
“We’ve got a lot to catch up on, how about it, Feidh?”
A look of terror came across Feidhlim, and his top collar unbuttoned.
“Oh dear god”.
Sadhbh
Getting the equipment out to and from the shed was always my least favourite part of the job. What made it worse was seeing David's motorboat in the shed. The engine was broken, and the seat for the helm was gone. Overall, it was still in good condition, and there was a lingering temptation to keep the age-old tradition of repairing the pile of junk afloat. But seeing as how we’ve lost David, maybe not.
The boat was lying on a bed of wood oalettes, balancing on the gaps between the planks of wood to keep it upright, just one of the many methods Da used to cut costs instead of buying proper storage equipment.
“So how do they think he went out?” Feidhlim asked.
“Well, the police presume it was engine failure”, Gully recalled, “David spent months fixing up the boat; it never lasted a handful of trips before it needed repairing. He finally deduced that the entire engine needed an overhaul, so he got a new one. Lo and behold, that failed him too”.
“Did he ever like making repairs?”
“He complained about it a lot, but it’s the only time he wasn’t held up in his room”.
“I see”.
“Let’s just carry on with the job at hand, okay”, I reminded everyone. In some ways, I don’t want to think I lost my brother to a boat engine, let alone one he fixed himself.
Three people on the job did the trick. Well, I could say it was more like two and a half people. Poor Feidhlim could barely catch anything. His nets would sooner catch buried treasure let alone a fish. Gully held the helm together as I checked the nets before moving to the next location.
“The Touchy Feely is back in business”, Gully cheered, followed by laughter from Feidhlim.
“Let’s not bring that name back”, I noted.
On our way back, the wind was beginning to pick up subtly, shaking against the glass of the Feely.
“It’s good to be out here again”, Feidhlim remarked, “I missed this”.
“It never gets old, I’ll tell you, I missed you”.
Feidh smiled at me, his hand still clinging to the walls of the boat. Turning around, Gully was fast asleep, his head bouncing against the walls and sides as the boat rocked against the small waves.
“He reminds me of Dad”, I remarked.
“He is his son, to be fair”, he laughed.
“No smart ass, I’m talking about when he sleeps”.
“What do you mean?”
“He has this calmness, his eyes are closed gently, and he stays still, as if nothing could bother him”.
“He’s not sleeping”.
Turning back, Feidhlim looked more than serious.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s meditating.”
“Meditating?” I repeated.
“Yeah, just keeping calm, gathering his thoughts”.
I stared at Gully for a moment. What was he thinking I wondered, was he even asleep?
“I just, I never thought Dad would do something like that”.
“He lost Ma and David, Sadhbh”.
Honey
“Do the washing up for me, will ye, thanks”, said Da.
He always said that, thanking me before I even said I would do it, but he can be evil sometimes. Cleaning won’t be too hard. I’ll put the plates in the bin instead of cleaning them to save time, and I’ll lick the forks clean.
Da was in his usual spot on the couch, and I cosied up next to him. He was doing his half-asleep thing again. He opened his eyes when I rested my head on his shoulder.
“Ah, hello to you”, he said, “finished already?”
“The kitchen is spick and span”.
He patted his hand on mine again.
“And why aren’t you out there?”
“They were upset I went out looking for David”.
He tried to laugh, but came off more as a snort.
“Tell me something, little lad”.
I waved my head up and down.
“Now, why do you think David is hiding?”
“Because he told me”.
“He told you, did he?”
“That’s right”, I put my hand to my head to remember what had happened, “He was leaving in the morning, and I asked him, Davey, where are you going. And he told me that he’s surprising me with a big game of hide and seek, and if I find him, then he’ll take me wherever I want to go! I said I wanted to go and see Feidhlim and he said so did he!”
Dad didn’t move one bit.
“It’s a shame I can’t find him, he must be hungry”.
Chapter Three
Feidhlim
The motorboat was lying on the ground outside the shed, the pallets propping it up once again. Gully was there, in a vest with his waders attached; he looked like he’d be on an advertisement. He was in the middle of taking apart the engine. He had a look of concentration that I had never seen before in him.
“You alright there, Gully”I asked.
He didn’t say anything,
“Gully”, I repeated, “Henry!”
“Yes, what, it’s gull- what do you want?”
His head swivelled to me.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I'm doing?”
“Ripping apart the motorboat engine”.
“No, I’m replacing it”.
I placed my hand on the motorboat.
“Do you remember what I’m studying in college?”
“I don’t know, you never wrote”.
“Mechanical engineering, spot on, Gully!”
He didn’t seem to find this joke amusing.
“Just let me help Gully”.
“Fine, fine”.
It took the two of us to get the motor off; it was heavier than we thought. It was no wonder that David was doing it himself.
“So where’s the spare engine?”
“It’s in the shed. Wrapped up in boxes”, he replied.
The shed was dimly lit, and there was more walking space now that the boat was pulled out. Behind where the palettes usually sit were some boxes taped together to make a bigger rectangle. It was the motor, but it wasn’t even opened. I called Gully over.
“You haven’t even opened it, do you know if it’s the right one?”
“This is the only motorboat we have, so I presume it belongs to David”.
“It belongs to David?” I repeated. “I thought you bought it?”
“No, I just found it here”.
Hearing this, it felt as if the walls of the Shed were closing in on Gully, as I had come to a revelation in a mystery novel.
“You said the engine failed on the boat.”
“I know Feidhlim”.
“Did he even change the old motor?”
Gully shook his head.
“I don’t think so”.
I had to catch my head with my hands.
“Feidhlim, Feidhlim- Jesus”. He said, grabbing my shoulders, “Stay calm”.
A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause.
“Gully, he fucking killed himself”, I gasped.
A couple of seconds in, pause, a couple of seconds out, pause.
“No, it’s not like that”.
A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause.
“He got up in the earliest hours and drowned himself, Gully!”
A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause.
“Just, just keep breathing, level”.
A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause.
“We failed him, I failed him, I didn’t write to him. Hell- the fucking motor failed him”.
A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause.
“Feidhlim shut up”.
A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause. A couple of seconds in, pause, couple of seconds out, pause. The spin on reality was beginning to slow down. Gully remained calm, staring at me. I fell into his shoulders and took one more deep breath.
“Come outside”, he said.
The dinghy looked different now, like it was a murder weapon. I was afraid to even come near it. Its faults are clearer than ever, even the seat is missing.
“He had his problems when you left. He wanted to go with you so badly” Gully’s hand brushed against the boat. “Sure, he’d always be sitting by the window in his room, waiting for the postman to see if you wrote”.
“I just couldn’t do it,” I said, “I thought it was best to come back when everything was finished, I didn’t want to remind him of what he was missing”.
“I really wish he had gone instead of you”, he sighed, “maybe not to study engineering because by god he did a poor job”.
I let out a gasp of irony as Gully sighed, “Feidh, I fucking hate you”. I looked up at him, but he had a sympathetic look, “Now help me install this blooming motor engine”.
Sadhbh
“Honey, he’s not allowed to drink!” I exclaimed, pulling the bottle from Da’s hands.
He waved his arms in a what the hell gesture before leaning back into the chair. Honey, on the other hand, looked pissed off. Getting through to her is incredibly difficult sometimes. She turned her back on me and walked away, but I managed to grab it in time.
“Get off me!” she yelled, “I don’t want to be infected by your ugliness”.
She broke free and ran. I chased her through the house and out the door. She was quick on her feet, I'll tell you.
We made our way by the road and the gravel towards the beach, where I could make out Feidhlim and Gully pushing the motorboat through the beach towards the water. Honey screamed the whole way, and they swivelled their heads while ankle deep in water. There was nothing out in the water besides a lone seagull by the rocks. Honey jumped into the boat and peered over the edge.
“Honey, get out of there right now!”
“Sadhbh, what’s going on?” Feidhlim asked.
“It’s Honey, she’s just-”
The motor roared as Honey was sent flying into the coast, the motor initially digging up sand before taking off into shore. Honey screamed as the boat took her further and further.
“Oh, Jesus fu-” Gully exclaimed, “How did she do that?”
“I-I don’t know, here we’ll have to help her”, I said.
“No shit, really”, Feidhlim said.
“Oh, Feidh, would you ever go fuck yourself?” I yelled. Gully seemed to have gotten a kick from it before shrugging at Feidhlim. I emptied my pockets onto the beach and took my shoes off before waddling into the water, before jumping in. Fuck it’s cold. The motorboat had stopped somewhere along the rocks.
Honey
I am drifting at sea, like one of those bottles with the message inside. Looking around, I could see Gully and the ugly’s twin standing by the water. Beside me is a seagull, it was a peculiar looking one, its fur was ragged like the sweaters that Da wears. He was an old birdie. It looked at me angrily. Its wings went high in the air like the man in the water reaching high before making a loud screech.
“Cuahhh!” I screeched back.
It screeched again, so I raised my arms to the sky, my fingers sticking out. I let out my biggest roar I possibly could. The seagull gently lowered itself down, stared at me for a little while, and didn’t move once. I need to stand my ground and stay.
A while later, a hand landed on the boat; it was the ugly. Only she was tired, so I helped her get up onto the boat. She was tired, so tired.
“What, what were you thinking?” She said between breaths. “I was so scared, Honey”.
For the first time, she looked at me differently, not the serious face that she gives out to me all the time.
“I was hiding from you-”
“I saw you get on the boat, Honey. I knew you were there”.
“I want to leave”, I said, turning to the seagull.
“Here we’ll get you home”.
“No!” I yelled.
“I won't leave where David and Feidhlim hide”.
She crawled over to the helm and went past it. She hugged me
“I’m sorry, Honey, I thought you were the same as me, let’s get you out of here”.
She was crying.
Gully
We couldn’t afford a funeral; it was too expensive. Hell, we never even found David’s body. But it’s not because he’s dead, he’s out there, on the horizon. We geared up the motorboat and placed David’s drawings in it. The morning horizon was quiet, but the wind should be.
We gathered in one spot and took the motorboat into the water. Honey got in and set off the ignition. We watched as she jumped out of the boat like the little ninja that she is. The boat rode off for a bit before the engine cut off. I’m still not sure why David’s equipment is so terrible, and I might never know it. He didn’t leave much for us.
